Last night on TV, I think it was BBC4, I watched a programme about singer/songwriters of the 60s and 70s. I dont mind admitting, that as it was Friday evening I'd had a couple of drinks and was fairly relaxed, but suddenly, seeing my youth in front of me - John Sebastion, Carol King, Paul Simon, Billy Joel - set me thinking. Here I am, at age 62, sitting comfortably on my sofa with my crochet, my four adult children all out and making their own way in the world, hard working husband already in bed and asleep, and what have I achieved in my life? Very little to be precise.
OK, so I never had big plans, I got married a couple of times, had 4 kids, and was quite content to just be Mum. But although I am still (and always will be) Mum, the practical side of that job is behind me now, none of them need me on a daily basis to feed or clothe them, pick them up when they fall, hug them and give them special Mummy's kisses. So, with the prospect of a good 20-30 years still ahead of me, perhaps now is the time to try to make a difference, to make my short time on this planet count for something. Or maybe it was just the alcohol "talking", maybe just having these four now grown men WAS the difference I made? I dont know, and I am confused. Perhaps thinking late at night after a few drinks is not such a good thing, but when I woke this morning the feeling was still with me, and I feel the need to DO SOMETHING. But I dont know what. Perhaps I'll just hang around for while and see what turns up.
A lot of perhapses, but dont expect an instant answer, when I have decided where I'm going I'll invite you along to keep me company on the ride. In the mean time, whatever happened to this 40 year-old me?
To be honest I certainly dont feel any older, and not a great deal wiser, inside my head, but my body keeps telling me different. And this morning both my head and my body are telling me that staying up late drinking and watching vintage TV is a daft thing to do.